Joke collection [5]

girls-to-impressI am attracted to black women but I can’t date them.
Apparently my wife is a racist.

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. “Wow!” he says. “You did eight miles today! That’s amazing!”
The second day, the blonde’s production is down to four miles. “Still pretty darn good,” the supervisor says.
On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. “What’s going on?” he asks. “The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What’s the problem?”
The blonde rolls her eyes and says “Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!”

My wife is so weird. She starts every conversation with “were you even listening to me?”.

My neighbors listen to good music.
If they like it or not.

Australians don’t have sex.
Australians mate.

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, “For God’s sake, Phil… leave it on the porn channel… you know how to fish!”

Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony.
But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

Today I saw a poor, old woman trip and fall.
At least, I assume she was poor. She only had $4.75 in her purse.

Are mermaids fish or women?
It depends on if you are horny or hungry.

“You fancy my best friend, don’t you?” asked my wife.
“If given the choice…” I replied, “I’d rather have sex with you then her.”
“You mean ‘than’.”
“No.”