Joke collection

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

What do you call a black dinosaur?

What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.

A magician was driving down the road when suddenly.
He turned into a driveway!

Oh no, here come the Nintendo police!
Wii U, Wii U, Wii U

The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
“No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye,” the man says.
“Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”.
The man walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?”
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses “Would, I?! Would I?!”
To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.
He replied, “I still love Vista, baby”.

I dreamt about a horse last night.
It turned out to be a night mare.

I was once called a racist for saying black paint.
Apparently the correct term is “Tyrone, please paint the fence.”

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They’re kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: “Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)”
To which the man responded “Of course it is baby.”, stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

Wife: “How could you do this to me?!”
Husband : “what did I do?”
Wife: ” You slept with my sister, you bastard!”
Husband : “Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she’s an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?”
Wife: “You were supposed to do the autopsy.”

Husband: “Wow, you’re even more stiff than her.”

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

Fly: What kind of dog are you?
Dog: I’m a wolf hound.
Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?
Dog: Well, it’s quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.
Fly: I see…
Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?
Fly: I’m a horse-fly.

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time. When people asked him why, he answered: I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked “Is your brother out of jail?”. He answered: “No, I quit”.