Leonardo di Caprio, bear, 007, seniors, NSA, hipsters

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
I thought, “That’s it, I’m going to the Police.”
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, “Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio.”

A bear goes into a bar. He sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. He then calmly orders a beer.
Bartender: “Sorry, we don’t serve drug users in here.”
Bear: “But I don’t do drugs!”
Bartender: “What about that barbitchyouate?”

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I’ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me”, he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers…”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
“Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One police officer asked Jerry to tell him the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

I like the NSA. They’re the only government agency that listens

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better.

How to get women to ask you out?

How to get lots of women to ask you out?
Go in the women’s bathroom!

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted,
“Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”
I said,
“You’re not coming in mate!”
He said,
“I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was perfect.

If you believe binoculars are overrated, then look no further.

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.

Today jokes: a doctor, a couple, sprinters, stick-shift, pregnant wife

A doctor says:
“I have bad news, and very bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?”, asked the patients.
“You only have 24-hours to live.”
“And the really bad news?”
“I should have told you yesterday.”

—-

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
“Edna,I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Edna always replied,
“I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks”
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
“Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
To this, Edna replied,
“Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
“Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word…
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
“By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Buddy replied,
“Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

—-

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.

—-

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn’t find a manual.

—-

“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
“Screw you” she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

Two traveling salesmen

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.
Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.
In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.
The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.
Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.
Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.
Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.
In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.
When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.
Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.
About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.
“Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?”
“Yes, Ted. I remember that.”
“And Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?”
“Well of course I remember her Ted.”
“Well Bob, I have to ask you something.”
“Ok Ted.”
“Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?”
Yes Ted, I did.”
“And Bob, did you go to the widow’s room that night?”
“I did Ted.”
“Did you and the widow make love Bob?”
“Yes, we did Ted”
“Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?”
“I did Ted. I’m ashamed of myself, but I did. I’m really, really sorry Ted….”
“Oh, that’s ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will.”
That ones for you Coach!