Is Google a boy or a girl and other jokes

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree. He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun. He tells the homeowner “I’m going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs.” The homeowner, a little bewildered, says “that’s crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree first….shoot the chihuahua.”

An atheist, a cross-fitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar…
And I only know this because they won’t shut the fuck up about it.

What is the difference between a Pakistani Wedding and a Taliban training camp?
I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street.
Jack: “Hi there, George, how are you?”
George: “Great! we’ve just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it’s really good”
J: “Really? What’s the name of the clinic?”
G(trying to remember): “Let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?”
J: “A rose”?
G: “Ah yes that’s it.”
George turns to his wife….
G: “Rose, what’s the name of that clinic”?

Is Google a Boy or a Girl?
A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it never ever forgets what you said.

Leonardo di Caprio, bear, 007, seniors, NSA, hipsters

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
I thought, “That’s it, I’m going to the Police.”
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, “Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio.”

A bear goes into a bar. He sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him. He then calmly orders a beer.
Bartender: “Sorry, we don’t serve drug users in here.”
Bear: “But I don’t do drugs!”
Bartender: “What about that barbitchyouate?”

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No”, he replies, “I’ve just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me”, he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers…”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!”
Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
“Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One police officer asked Jerry to tell him the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

I like the NSA. They’re the only government agency that listens

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change bulbs and 3 to sit around and complain that the original was better.

How to get women to ask you out?

How to get lots of women to ask you out?
Go in the women’s bathroom!

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted,
“Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”
I said,
“You’re not coming in mate!”
He said,
“I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was perfect.

If you believe binoculars are overrated, then look no further.

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.