A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree. He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun. He tells the homeowner “I’m going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon landing, the trained chihuahua will viciously lunge for the gorillas genitals and when he attempts to protect himself we will slap on the handcuffs.” The homeowner, a little bewildered, says “that’s crazy enough it just might work, but what is the shotgun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree first….shoot the chihuahua.”
An atheist, a cross-fitter, and a vegan are all sitting at a bar…
And I only know this because they won’t shut the fuck up about it.
What is the difference between a Pakistani Wedding and a Taliban training camp?
I don’t know, I just fly the drone.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Two very elderly couples bump into each other in the street.
Jack: “Hi there, George, how are you?”
George: “Great! we’ve just been to that new memory clinic, they teach you how to remember things using word association, it’s really good”
J: “Really? What’s the name of the clinic?”
G(trying to remember): “Let me see, eh, what do you call that flower with a thorny stem?”
J: “A rose”?
G: “Ah yes that’s it.”
George turns to his wife….
G: “Rose, what’s the name of that clinic”?
Is Google a Boy or a Girl?
A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it never ever forgets what you said.